An Actual Fairy Princess
by Drippinggolden
Summary: Emma has never been a saint and she's never been ashamed of that. She was real woman long before she found out she had to be a princess. Here's how it went between her and the pirate, in her own words.


Note: I used to write famous fanfiction under another name but I got overwhelmed by the softening of characters into lovely little pairings. So, I'm back with an Emma Swan who is unapologetically cynical and sexual, one who is pissedd about being roped into all this bullshit. This is her, through the 4th wall, telling us once and for all how it really went down with Hook.

 **An Actual Fairy Princess**

Alright, kiddos, you freaks, let's get real. That fucking...kiss, you spent...years on, well...First of all we were way dirtier. All the time. It was the jungle. That thing you saw...I looked one day, _maybe_ two days out from a shower. But actually I was completely filthy. And I smelled like a women's college basketball team after a big game. The week they all get their periods at the same time.

What?

You what?

The beginning? Really? _Jesus._

Alright. _Alright._ Whoa, neon side braid, whoa. It's 2016. That's not offensive to you anymore. Chill.

So, if you actually want to rip this thing wide open the beginning is a good start I guess. Because, I mean, we first found Hook under a pile of ogre-killed bodies. And, let's be clear, chewed bodies are not remotely like fuzzy stage right images of bloodless dummies or spazzing extras. Bodies are juicy, and heavy and cold flesh is like yellow-gray wax and...

If I'm being too subtle, it wasn't a heart throbbing kind of moment is what I mean. We pulled a guy out of a literal pile of bodies. It was so incredibly disgusting. I have seen some things, ya know? But the first time I met Hook, he was wiping intestine slime off his neck and someone's arterial spray out of his eyes and puking all over the place. I know you saw me see his hand flailing helplessly but really he came up out that body pile like a breaching whale, yakking all over the whole mess. And, he's a pretty fucking decent liar, but that vomit was real because he was "hiding" in a pile of goddamn bodies. Clearly, I cannot stress that enough. I spent my first several minutes of knowing the guy just running for the nearest bush and dry heaving. So, I almost believed the blacksmith thing.

And it wasn't until later I got the full force of the hot as fuck. It would have been great to know that earlier because I more or less knew the rules by then and if you save the life of a panty-soakingly hot pirate in Fairy Land he is absolutely going to end up your husband or be your archenemy for a while which is mostly just a theater for lots of eye fucking. But, what with all the gore, I was thinking, "Poor pathetic guy. And poor us with only him for a witness, which means we have to be close enough to him to actually talk to him." I gave him my spiel about knowing when someone's lying but I was mostly still trying not to vomit.

But he told us he _just_ lost his hand in a troll attack. It wasn't as ridiculous as it looked to you guys...all neatly bandaged and shit. Cora must have given him a few spells or something because it looked almost sufficently bloody and chewed up and he was probably counting on that and all the rest of the gore to distract from the fact that if he just lost a hand he should be hemorrhaging everywhere and trying not to die.

The irony is, if he'd just said, "I'm my village's strapping one-handed blacksmith," I probably would have bought it. I've read Game of Thrones. Heroic, one armed blacksmiths are a thing. I was starting to get the rules, like I said. But even then, I wouldn't have been like, welp, chances are this offensively attractive man is Captain Hook. Maybe if we had been anywhere near water or if he'd had terrible hair...

Anyway, completely grossed out or not, I'm not an idiot. I would have believed angry, one-armed blacksmith who fought until he couldn't stand and passed out in exhaustion. But a one-handed coward in Fairy Land. Nope. That's not how fairy tales work, kids. So, liar. Obviously.

Then I put a knife to his throat and he didn't even try to fight me off. Which meant he was really trying to sell his story. Which meant we had something he wanted. Try to use Emma Swan and she will use you right back. I didn't grow up learning integrity as a virtue, okay? Show me a person brimming with honesty and I'll show you a schmuck.

Up against a tree for him and he doesn't break a sweat. I was ready to slap his stupid, handsome face. Thinking back, that would have been a way more efficient way to break him. Captain Hook, even at his slyest, would have been totally unable to resist saying something suggestive if I slapped him while he was tied up. Idiot.

He cracked hilariously quickly which meant he was on the take and not at all loyal. You guys get on my case for not giving him a chance sooner but that's because you got the Disney effects. I got a sleezy sociopath who buried himself in corpses and betrayed an ally and impersonated a peasant all in the first hour I knew him.

I don't have the best taste in men but that's a lot, even for me.

I'd seen the hot by then. We more or less strip-searched the guy before tying him to that tree and it's not like I was leering because I'm not that rapey but I didn't _not_ notice. And by notice I mean, act like a complete fucking moron and turn my head away soI wouldn't cross that line into leering. I know, I know. But have you seen him? Have you heard the accent? I mean, fuck me, what's a red-blooded, unapologetically sexual woman suppressed to do?

Knowing who he is now, I think that's why he started pursuing me instead of one of the other absurdly beautiful women around me.

He knew the score, just like I did. We were definitely going to end up enemies but until then...

No, no, we didn't tie him to that tree bare-ass naked. Pretty close but I think the princesses would have screamed in terror and fallen down dead if any of them had to see a penis before marrying it.

So it was down to the shorts or whatever those flouncy, old-timey Capri pants are called. Anyway, I didn't whistle for the ogre like a twat, we just heard it stomping our way. My parents abandoned me, remember? Nobody taught me how to whistle. And you know Charming is the kind of dad who would have done that shit.

Speaking of which...the Hook you guys know is kind of a charming clown. My Hook, the real Hook, is a goddamn method liar. When he decided to turn, he dropped the pathetic blacksmith so quick that, in addition to eye fucking me, he popped a boner on his way back to Hook.

And holy shit, I suddenly understood Belle's thing for villains. The guy looked me dead in the eye, his cocky-ass face said he knew I'd been looking. I know you see a cool but narrow version of the modest, feminist Emma Swan on TV but that's not the only way a feminist looks.

I'd gotten eyed like a scandalous whore by every person in Fairy Land for having a kid out of wedlock like it was 1950. Graham, I'd practically had to seduce like a high schooler. So, believe me when I say you can be a feminist and appreciate a man who looks at you like he knows you have a pussy and knows you like to use it. And that he's very glad about that fact.

And when I say "appreciate" I mean my snatch actually twitched.

The reasons Hook gave that we should let him free were good enough for everyone else. I mean, they're princesses, they bitched at me for 15 straight minutes about me wanting to question him and leave him to die even though he was definitely going to try to kill us or someone else.

Me? I knew that knowing someone is playing you doesn't mean they aren't still playing you. So I would have left him there to die but I really needed to get laid.

What? Wake up! You can be a heroine and still like to fuck. You can go home with strangers, and have threesomes, and appreciate a good hard cock and still save the day. I wanted to have sex with him from day one because I am a human being. If we hadn't been in a time crunch...

I'm not a good girl, chickens. And I've never liked good boys.

Good boys bring you flowers and take so long to kiss you, you've moved on to 3 other guys before you even know they might want to kiss you. Then they're mad at you for it. Bad boys light candles and bring you cookie dough and weed in the bath because they know how to indulge. Good boys will take you to meet mom. Bad boys will take you to meet mom and fuck your brains out in her spare room.

What I mean is, I'd recently found out I was an actual fairytale princess. But I was not about to start waiting around for a prince.


End file.
